Lord of the Pants: the Fellowship of the Pants
by demon goddess666
Summary: A parody of Lord of the Rings. Isildur steals Sauron's pants with dire consequences. Please read and review....my first fic.


Lord of the Pants: The Fellowship of the Pants

The History of the Pants

By demon goddess 666

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Three pants for the Elven-kings with really scary hair,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords who had big plastic beach shovels,

Nine for Mortal Men who eventually went insane,

And one for the Dark Lord who is totally random

In the land of Mordor where Sauron eats cheese puffs

One pair to do…something

One pair to do something else

One pair to- aw, screw this!

And in the darkness turn evil and crap like that

In the land of Mordor where Sauron eats cheese puffs.

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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… Damn, wrong script. 

A really long time ago—and when I say a long time ago, I mean it!—the dark lord Sauron got very mad because he had nothing to wear and he sure as hell wasn't going to walk around Mordor nude! 

So Sauron-the-evil-dude stitched the PANTS OF POWER! Three he gave to the Elves because he was afraid of their hair. Seven to the Dwarf-lords because they had big plastic beach shovels to thwap him with. And nine, nine pairs were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire good stitching on pants. Plus, they had Britney Spears CD's. (AN: THE HORROR! *cowers in a corner*)

But they were all of them deceived, for another pair of pants was stitched. And another ring was made. But we don't care about that.

In the land of Mordor, in the tailor shop of Mount DOOM (which isn't really a mountain of DOOM!) the dark lord Sauron-the-evil-dude stitched in secret a pair of MASTER PANTS to control all others! Into the fabric for the pants he poured pink dye, his randomness, hyperness, and fear of stupid things like feet. Oh yeah, and his malice, cruelty, will to dominate all life, and all that other crap. 

"Shut it! Gotta get me a hamburger first!"

One by one the free lands of Middle-World…uh…Middle-Earth… fell to the power of the pants. But there were some who resisted. 

A last alliance of Elves and Men marched against the armies of Mordor and on the slopes of Mount DOOM (which isn't a mountain of DOOM!) fought for the freedom of all Middle-World…uh…Middle-Earth. (AN: damnit, why do I keep saying Middle-World?)

Victory was near. But the stitching of the pants could not be undone. 

Sauron-the-evil-dude came out of his fortress and started killing random people. Sauron laughed evilly. "MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!" he evilly laughed as he brutally murdered Elendil. 

It was in this moment when all hope had failed that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword. With a cry of "YOU MEANIE!" he slashed off Sauron-the-evil-dude's hand. 

So the ring passed to Isildur who had this one chance to destroy EVIL forever. So he ran to Mount DOOM (which isn't a mountain of DOOM!) and had this big argument about the Ring with Elrond. So Isildur got mad at Elrond and pocketed the Ring (he also freaked the socks off Elrond with the "My Precious" crack). But in the way down, something caught his eye.

In the tailor shop of Mount DOOM,(which isn't a mountain of DOOM!) Isildur saw a pair of pants. Beautiful pants they were. Hot pink with bright orange lettering on them that said "I'm gonna sing the Doom Song!" they were. Loved them, Isildur did. 

So he stole them, unaware that they were Sauron-the-evil-dude's own pants! GASP! Dun dun dun!

The moment Isildur put on those pants, his eyes got a glazed look and he fell over, twitching and foaming at the mouth. "Orlando Bloom…yeah, he's soooo sexy…" Isildur said, drooling and unaware that he was turning into a fangirl…eh…fanboy. 

When Isildur got up some hours later, what was left of the Last Alliance was waiting for him. 

"So did you destroy the Ring?" a random guy said.

"My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble!" Isildur sang, happily skipping away. Everyone looked at him. Afraid they were. 

Isildur ran around screaming something that sounded very much like, "CHEEZY MONKEY!" before he tripped over a ladybug and fell into a conveniently placed river. Before he drowned, he yelled one last thing: "BYE!"

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Some 2.5 thousand years later

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A midget named Smeagol and a midget named Deagol were on the banks of the very same river that Isildur drowned in some 2.5 thousand years ago! DUN DUN DUN! 

The midget Deagol pushed the midget Smeagol into the river. GASP! Smeagol ate a little bit of mud before he opened his eyes. When he did, he saw a horrible sight. No, it wasn't my brother. It was a pile of bones! Or more accurately, it was Isildur, who had long since become a pile of bones on the bottom of the river. 

Smeagol surfaced, screaming like a little girl who had seen a spider. 

"Spaz! Chill out, man!" Deagol screamed. "There's nothing there! No ghosts, no vampires, not the author's brother!" 

"But it's a skeleton!" Smeagol whined. "And it's all, like, decaying and like, stuff like that and stuff. And it's like, scary!"

"Wuss," Deagol muttered as he dove into the water. When he got to the bottom, he came face-to-face with…THE PANTS! GASP! NO, DEAGOL! DON'T TAKE THE PANTS! 

Deagol took the pants. He put them on and got out of the water to model them to Smeagol. When Smeagol saw them, his eyes lit up. That may have had something to do with the lightbulbs he put in his eye sockets, but we'll ignore that.

"I wants those purdy pants!" Smeagol drooled. 

"They're mine! And me and the squirrel are friends!" Deagol smirked. 

Smeagol looked at him blankly, then strangled his friend and took the pants. 

"Muwahahahaha…rabid chipmunks…" Smeagol said.

So the pants came to Smeagol, who took to wearing them all day except when they got really dirty. The he wore all black, scaring the children. Smeagol also took to making creepy noises in his throat, causing his family to call him Gollum.

Eventually Gollum's family got so tired of his randomness they banished him to the Misty Mountains. That, and they were scared of his Goth personality. 

The pants took hold of Gollum's mind, driving him to the brink of total utter insanity. For 500 WHOLE ENTIRE YEARS the pants tried to make Gollum insane…but there wasn't much left to do, so the pants got bored. 

One day, a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins saw Gollum's be-yootiful pants drying on the clothesline. Bilbo was overwhelmed by the loveliness of the pants, so he stole them! DUN DUN DUN! 

As Bilbo left Gollum's cave, he distinctly heard Gollum yell, 

"DUDE! WHERE'S MY CAR?" 

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dg666: hey, tell me what u think. This was my first fic. Hey! I just realized my birthday is the 18…2 days…I'll be 16….I can finally drive…*happy sigh* finally! J 


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